Fastest way to feel down

When we compare ourselves to other people whom we perceive to be happier, more attractive, more educated or affluent, we are sure to feel down instantly. It doesn’t take much pondering over or reflection to get a result.

On the other hand it’s also really easy to feel instantly happy too, just by reminding ourselves of all that we do have right now that is good such as health, supportive family and friends etc.

It helps to remember that everyone has problems and that the grass on the other side is never greener - it’s just a different kind of grass.

Patience of Children

After the family get together at the weekend all the children were loaded up into the respective cars and strapped into their car seats. With everything done the grown-ups stood and chatted and a very long goodbye ensued as we enjoyed the evening coolness. Meanwhile the kids aged 6 months to four years sat in their pyjamas under blankets, strangely they just looked on not making a single sound by way of complaint for the delay and the time the adults were taking to wind up and get going. These were the same little ones who had been shouting the house down earlier with their laughter and crying, yet somehow they haven’t yet learnt to be impatient in the manner adults would be when waiting for one another. Given that they had no idea when the conversation would draw to a close and the cars would get moving their patience was a truly amazing sight.

Power of Relaxation

Making a conscious effort to stay relaxed in body and mind has more than the obvious benefits. I’m catching myself noticing more opportunities and making better decisions. I’m picking up more information and details than before in a whole range of situations. Body is more clearly able to sense when something is wrong too. To think all that energy was spent on being tense before! What a waste!

‘I always have a choice’

After much practice, this is a phrase I like to say to myself a lot – as creatures of habit we often forget we have choice in our thinking, our actions and decisions. The unconscious pull of our usual patterns of thinking or behaving cause us to do what we always do and hence we end up with the same old results.

To get different results – do things differently – flexibility is key.

Sharpening the Saw

This is a wonderful analogy used by Stephen Covey in his fantastic book ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, in which he describes the sorry state of a person working long and hard to cut down a tree, sweated and worn out from the effort. When it is suggested he take a break and sharpen the saw he replies ‘Goodness I don’t have time to sharpen the saw, I’m far too busy sawing!’ and carries on sawing away with the blunt blade.

India is my favourite place to go and sharpen my saw. Last time I was there several ideas for articles came to me in a matter of minutes and I have since written and published those pieces. There were also spontaneous ideas for workshops, which I have run in this last year. Plans which came to mind so effortlessly in India, have matured now and blossomed into wonderful projects. And of course it’s not just the creative saw which is sharpened but also the physical, emotional and spiritual, through rest, being close to nature and having time to reflect.

Happiness Formula

I appreciate simplicity and this little formula is very dear to me.

‘Eat well, sleep well, think positive thoughts and move your body’

I find it an easy check list to hold in the front of my mind as I go about life.

Eat well – eating what suits my particular body (a vegan diet) and saying no to ‘plastic’ food (junk food).

Sleep well – means good routine and a well rested body that’s raring for the world in the morning.

Think positive thoughts – remembering I always have choice, I can step back and ask: ‘is this train of thought going to take me to a positive destination or a negative one?’, before I jump on it.

Moving the body – energy spent is energy earned, exercise is a fantastic investment!

For me these are the roots of the wellbeing tree, the fruits are clarity of thought, informed decisions, energy, motivation and action.

People are Reliable

I recall the words of a colleague who once said ‘people are reliable, you only need to meet them twice – on the first meeting they’ll tell you everything about themselves, just look and listen without any wishful thinking. There won’t be much new information in the second meeting; this is just to confirm what you picked up on in the first. After that you’ll just get repetitions of the behaviour, manner, beliefs, strengths and weaknesses that came out in that first interaction. So you can decide whether or not to progress in business or friendship based on your first meeting and be pretty accurate.’

I’ve never forgotten his wisdom. However in the past few months I’ve had real insight into what he was saying, when two people whom I met many years ago popped up out of the blue. There had been no contact for a long time and with each separate person it was startling to see that whatever I had been wary of in the initial meeting was still there only this time more exaggerated, more entrenched. In both cases the outer circumstances of each person’s life were also exactly the same as they had been several years earlier, which informed me that the inner thoughts and beliefs must also still be the same, since our actions stem from our perceptions.

In therapy it’s often said that three things have to be present in order for change to take place. The first is awareness that change is required, then the willingness and effort to make that change, the third is the right kind of professional help to facilitate the change process. If any one of these is missing change won’t occur. On the other hand it’s rare that all three conditions come together in the same place at the same time, hence my dear colleague’s words, ‘people are reliable, because they keep doing the same thing again and again.’

Getting a Perspective

At the weekend I went to a social event. As I parked my car and walked to the front of the building, thoughts regarding difficulties with a supplier of services to my business occupied my mind. At the entrance a man walked quickly across my path, he was holding onto the arm of a younger guy slightly ahead of him, I realised the man was blind. At that moment the difficulties which had been troubling me dropped from my mind in an instant. It was as if the universe was putting my troubles in perspective by reminding me of the gifts I take for granted and forget about - vision being only one of them, there are numerous – food, water, shelter, good health, hearing, mobility, caring family and friends.

Birds of a Feather

During the day I like to look out of the window from time to time and have been intrigued by the birds which come and sit on the grass. As they peck, they’ll keep looking up nervously again and again, sensing my presence may be. They perceive me as a danger, something to be feared, forgetting perhaps their amazing ability to fly high into the distance in just seconds in any direction they choose to a place of safety. As the danger they fear I don’t have that ability or speed. I think we are a lot like those birds when we give our fears and problems more power than they actually might have by forgetting our strengths and the wonderful qualities we possess.

Past, Present & Future

Problems don’t fall out of the sky, they are created over time through our thinking and actions (as well as our non-actions). In this respect we can say we are products of our past. It is our past which has brought us to and shaped the present state of our lives. The interesting thing is that today also informs tomorrow - the future. Whilst we can’t change the past, we do stand at a point of immense power in the present, whatever choices we make today create the consequences we will face tomorrow. In my mind, of the three; past, present and future, it’s the present which offers most leverage in helping us shape and live the lives we truly desire.

In my Shadow is my Light

I came across this quote some time ago. In my understanding it’s about those aspects of ourselves which need strengthening or improving, parts of us which have been around for a long while, followed us around like a shadow, we usually know them quite well, they are familiar, because we’ve tried so hard to change them and so many times, to the point the mere thought of them can fill us with dread and fear. Yet that dark shadow (those ways of being or behaving) is exactly where we need to go, for it illuminates those areas where we have most opportunity for personal growth.

Designer Hugs

A visit to see my grandmother always gives me lots of food for thought. She’s an amazing person, I don’t know anyone who is able to be so present and in the moment and it shows up in everything she does, even her hugs, which are not just a momentary quick there-you-go as mind and body move onto something else, but she really ‘holds’ people physically and emotionally. I don’t ever recall her being the first to let go either. Her way of being is inspirational in this one eye and hand on the next task style of modern life.

Transforming Problems

I’m very fond of this particular Sikh teaching; suffering and happiness are the two sets of clothes worn alternately by every human being as they travel on life’s journey. It can help us to understand that problems are a part of life, no matter what we may do to protect ourselves; we will encounter them along the way.

The problem was actually a solution at one time. Like in the story of the man who needed to get across a river. Having built his boat he made it safely over to the other side, but then continued on his way carrying the boat on his back for the rest of his life. What is a problem today was the perfect thing to do yesterday given who we were then and our circumstances. We can respect our problems for the good they have done us in the past and know that we have evolved now. Problems are a natural by-product of our creative and growth processes. When we want to go in a different direction that’s more in line with who we are in the present, the old way of doing things becomes problematic.

Our problems are opportunities in disguise. They enable us to change ways of behaving and thinking which are no longer productive for us. A good analogy here is of iron ore, which is first placed into the furnace and made red hot, then taken out and given a good beating by the blacksmith as he hammers it into a new shape. The process we go through with our problems is similar. The intense heat and pressure we experience are necessary to help us get rid of our impurities – those beliefs and ways of acting or relating which need to be updated.

Like the blacksmith, individuals whom we perceive as difficult for the ‘hard time’ they give us, are actually very important to our development, they tell us ‘hey, this is where you need to look’. Hence the saying ‘our worst enemies are our greatest teachers’, because they expose vulnerabilities in us, which we can then strengthen. Viewed in this light, problems can be seen as positive challenges through which we can improve our lives.

Acceptance as paradoxical as it may sound is the first step to changing any problem. This can be hard, but it need only be momentary. Let’s take an example. Imagine I want to visit Paris. I could wish forever and it will remain totally impossible, unless I first acknowledge where I currently am. The moment I accept I’m in London the way to get to Paris is instantly mapped out and within a short space of time I could be there. My accepting I’m in London isn’t the same as liking or wanting to be in London, I may not want to be here for a single minute, however in order for me to get to my destination I must accept that’s where I am today. And so it is for our problems, acceptance of the present situation as it is, no matter how much you dislike it or wish it wasn’t the case, is key.

The solution is always present in the problem. The trick is knowing how to find it. Once you have accepted there is a problem, ask yourself; ‘What do I want instead of this …?’ These are the magic words which will transform your problem into a goal, something you feel attracted towards. It’s far easier to move in the direction of a goal than it is to focus attention on a problem. This is because when we think of problems we usually recall events that have already taken place (the past), causing us to feel stuck, helpless and demotivated. The going round and round in circles kind of thinking. Changing the problem into a goal will steer your thinking towards the future, by getting you to focus on how you would like things to be. It’s energising, creating a positive attitude with which to overcome the difficulty.

The ups and downs of life are the continuously changing externals, the ‘clothes’ we wear on the outside. True happiness, the kind which is constant because it’s not dependent upon any circumstance, relationship or possession is to be found on the inside, within us. That’s the place of real stability and security.

Two Garments

I received some sad news recently of a relative who has been diagnosed with a serious illness. As I thought about it today I was reminded of a particular Sikh teaching; that hardship and pain, joy and happiness are the two sets of clothes worn alternately by every human being as they travel on life’s journey.

I like this metaphor, to me at a deeper level it’s indicating that events distressing or happy are external, and we always have the power to choose our response in any situation no matter how difficult. A physical disease could be seen as the start of a healthier way of living. As for ailments labelled as life threatening, no person in the human race has a guarantee that they will wake up to another tomorrow. Crossing the street as a pedestrian, driving a car, getting on a train or aeroplane are just some of the countless potentially life endangering things we individuals do everyday.

For me it’s about not taking anything for granted and living life to the full, not just dreaming dreams but living them, now.

The Sage's Story

Here’s a great Zen Story which sums up the whole concept of living in the moment:

One day a sage was walking in the country when a tiger sprang at him and chased him over the side of a cliff. Luckily he was able to break his fall by clutching at a small shrub, and there he hung, above him the tiger and beneath him certain death on the rocks far below. As the sage clung to the shrub, he noticed some mice nibbling away at its base, and realised it would soon be gnawed right through. Then he caught sight of a wild strawberry plant just within reach, picked the single strawberry growing there, and savoured its sweet taste …..

In the story, the tiger at the top of the cliffs is the past, and the rocks at the bottom are the future. The mice nibbling away at the shrub are the passing of time, which inevitably will bring our earthly existence to a close. Yet the sage troubles himself with none of these things, and instead picks the wild strawberry, the symbol of life itself, and experiences to the full the beauty of its taste. His (or her) secret is the ability to be fully in touch with moment-by-moment experiences, rather than to obscure them with thoughts about past or future or the passage of time. The sage knows exactly what it means to be alive, and abides in that reality rather than in the confused chatter of the mind.

From The Fruits of Meditation by David Fontana, Retreat Magazine

Single Tasking

I learnt many things during the few days I spent with my relatives in India. Most of the time they wouldn’t let me help them so I was resigned to sitting and watching while we chatted and they went about their daily chores, they were probably right as I can’t really say I’m competent at cooking over a fire!

This gave me a great opportunity to observe how they do things and go about their tasks. What really stood out is that both the men and women only dealt with one task at a time. Their approach was calm, relaxed and focussed. They seemed to enjoy and savour whatever they were doing. And it’s not like they don’t have a lot to do, the farm is run in a very business like manner in which time keeping, individual responsibility and team work are critical.

Since coming back I’ve applied this rule of single tasking to both personal and professional areas of my life. It was a stretch at first for a super multi tasking modern woman, but the rewards have been great.

Just focusing on the task in hand and giving it all my attention, has resulted in increased satisfaction and focus. I feel calmer and enjoy what I’m doing more. The quality of the results I’m achieving is better too. Before I approach any task I think of what is important to do not just urgent and demanding, so that’s leading to better prioritising. Strangely I’m getting more done without feeling overwhelmed or stressed!

Single tasking is allowing me to live the moment rather than just whizz through it like a passenger on a high speed train.

Here’s a pic of my aunt after we’ve all had breakfast, she’s sorting lentils for lunch, there are things that need doing all around her, but she’s sitting comfortably just focusing on the task in hand. How nice!

Real Wealth

A few days ago I attended a seminar on creating wealth. The speaker’s perspective really caught my attention and I’ve been reflecting and musing over it since. He defined wealth as being what you are left with when you lose everything, when all your money, your home, car and possessions are gone. So your real wealth is your health, skills and talents and support system of family, friends and colleagues. These are all aspects over which each of us has direct influence and if actively nurtured and maintained I think this ‘Real Wealth’ would give rise to the material and monetary kind too.

Counting Blessings

During the tea break of a recent training I delivered, the participants were having an interesting conversation. They were sat near by as I organised the handouts for the next session and were discussing the rising cost of living in the U.K. One persons view caught my attention in particular it went along the lines of: ‘Yes food prices are rising and we have to choose between the regular loaf and the more expensive brand - at least there is a loaf of bread there on the shelf for us to buy! Fuel prices are increasing dramatically – we have heat and light and so many other things at the flick of a switch when countless others in the world don’t have that guarantee. The cost of petrol has risen for sure but at least we have the comfort cars afford when so many others are in situations where they have to walk many miles for basics such as clean water. And other household bills are up – but it means at least you have a place of shelter! A home, when so many don’t.’

It was such a fantastic reframe on the rising cost of living, one that certainly made me reflect with a sense of gratitude and appreciation and I’m sure that it will continue to occupy space in my thoughts as I set off now on my adventure to India where I’ll be travelling for the next few weeks.

The Wisdom of Children

Sameena is one of my closest friends, we got together for a natter recently. She has two beautiful daughters, here is the eldest Manal chilling out after Koran reading class.

I always marvel at the wisdom of young children, they are wonderful metaphors for health, being so tuned into their needs. They eat when they’re hungry, stop when they’re full and sleep when they’re tired. When they are happy they are brimful and their upset is accompanied by tears. They come at life with such vivid imaginations in which anything is possible, enormous determination and insatiable curiosity.