10 Don'ts from your child

I was sorting through some paper work the other day and found a photocopy of this lovely list. I think it works well with adult to adult relationships too. There’s no author named on it.

1. Don’t spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I’m only testing you.

2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it; it makes me feel more secure.

3. Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.

4. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

5. Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way, sometimes.

6. Don’t nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

7. Don’t forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. This is why I’m not always very accurate.

8. Don’t be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

9. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

10. Don’t forget that I can’t thrive without lots of understanding and love – but I don’t need to tell you do I?

The Victim and the Bully

The bully’s position is always defined by the victim. If there’s no victim there can’t be a bully.

As soon as the victim realizes their personal power and is no longer a victim the bully either disappears – since in order to maintain their position as a bully they must seek another victim or less frequently the bully too is empowered and transformed.

At one time, somewhere in the past the bully will have also been a victim. They too will have been bullied or abused and this pattern can often be seen going further and further back into the family system. Thinking about it in these terms bullies are really victims of victims. This is not to condone their bad or abusive behaviour but to understand why they do what they do. The important point is to know that the most powerful person within the bully/victim relationship is always the victim.